I'm Afraid of the Internet

Now that I've (just) started this blog... I am not sure that I should be doing this at all. I miss seeing people, but I kind of hate most forms of social interaction filtered through technology. I get anxious about answering the phone, I dread calling my voicemail, I feel unpleasantly burdened by emails and messages on facebook that I haven't had time to respond to. I love getting postcards and letters, but that too is clouded by anxiety about responding in time and with enthusiasm. I hardly have enough words for all the people I miss and would like to be in better contact with, so how do I have time or words enough to journal out-loud to the internet? Well and I suppose I have [grinnellplans] too for outloud journaling that is not available to the internet in general... It just makes me feel this mixture of embarrassment and sadness. Oh well.

I live here now

I have a horrible memory. I frequently have to go to friends to get help piecing together my own recent timeline or to figure out how I feel about something. This is something I have figured out about myself, but I was reminded of it recently when I happened upon a brief blog project from my last year of college in Grinnell. I had so totally forgotten about those goals, activities and feelings that were so all-comsuming at the time that they might as well have never happened. In one sense, who cares? Why do I need to know how I felt about my to-go burrito or how exciting I thought apple butter was? It doesn't fucking matter, except that, I tend to forget what little victories or discoveries or foibles have happened, and then I don't feel like I am growing, moving forward or doing anything different. Just repeating the same mistakes, and constantly having the same realizations. This is only driving my crazy now, because as my lovely significant other has pointed out, all of the unexpressed ideas and feels and creative projects are just bouncing around in my head with nowhere to go and until I start expressing some of them, I am going to feel really frustrated. At least, that made a lot of sense to me. So I begin this blog with the hopes of beginning to speak about things I have so far only thought about. Also I think it is convenient to name a blog as my current address so maybe people will also decide to send me mail or come visit me and I like that.